I'm Not That Boy
by NightSociety
Summary: "He could be that boy... but I'm not the one." Lovino had always been the underdog of his family, coming in second place to Feliciano in everything. But what about love? Will Lovino come in second place when he falls in love with a certain German?
1. Prologue

**New story, whaddya know? I recently heard the song "I'm Not That Girl" by Idina Menzel and not to mention a slideshow I saw with that song helped spark this idea so I'm gonna go ahead and follow what the song says to a _certain _extent. No, this is not a song fic and will be a multi chapter story so I hope you won't be too disappointed with this one. I know it's short but it'll get longer as it progresses. Besides, this is just a prologue.**

**And of course, ideas are always appreciated and welcome :)**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia**

**Warnings: Perhaps GerIta, perhaps Spamano and other future couples**

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><p><strong>Prologue<strong>

With a sigh, Lovino Vargas picked at the food on his plate with disinterest. The lively ambiance the music had set made it nearly impossible for the Italian to think straight. The mass of bodies dancing in the small bar just outside of town became nothing but a blur as what seemed to be a mental spotlight shone down on two people. He just continued watching his brother dance with a certain blonde-haired and blue-eyed German. And said German was the man of his dreams.

He had grown to love the strict and (sometimes) level-headed German.

Coming to terms with it wasn't easy but… he didn't deny it once the fact had settled in. There was nothing he could've done about it. His feelings tended to do whatever they pleased so defying them was absolutely useless.

There was just one small problem: Feliciano loved Ludwig almost as much as he himself did.

And who was Ludwig dancing with right now?

Feliciano.

Who was he always with?

Feliciano.

Who did Lovino want to be more than anyone?

Feliciano.

Lovino of course couldn't help the spark of envy that ignited in his heart every once in a while ('every once in a while' meant every day). He had learned to ignore Feliciano's advances on the blonde and focused solely on something else that wasn't as interesting. It never worked but it was nice to attempt.

Before Lovino had even realized it, the song ended and Ludwig was now seated beside the older Italian and his hand accidentally brushed Lovino's, making the latter's heart leap in a capricious whirl. The German's very presence caused this reaction- it annoyed Lovino but he also took pride in it. This meant that he was human… that he had a heart. Too often he had received comments that he was too harsh and too crude to be considered 'human.'

Well, this was proof.

But, even as the butterflies took flight inside his stomach, he knew he would never have a chance with Ludwig. It was too ridiculous- too absurd. Why would he want someone like him when the former had Feliciano- the perfect, handsome, winsome, and kinder younger brother?

_He could be that boy… _Lovino thought. _But I'm not the one for him…_

"Are you all right, Lovino?" that German accent tore the Italian from his agonizing thoughts.

"I-I'm fine," Lovino replied, thankful to the dim lights of the bar for if they had been any brighter, Ludwig would've noticed the dark tint of the Italian's cheeks.

"You sure?"

"Y-Yeah so quit asking me; it's fucking annoying," Lovino replied curtly though he was feeling rather bashful within.

"Whatever you say," the blonde shrugged, reaching for his drink and once again skimming across Lovino's and the man's heart took a reckless skydive to his stomach.

Okay, so maybe there wasn't _actual _contact, but it was pretty damn close if he said so himself!

Lovino sighed.

He would never admit aloud how the German affected him. He would never hear the end of it if the others ever knew how he truly felt. He had to forget about Ludwig. The blonde loved Feliciano and that was that. No ifs, ands, or buts. He wasn't meant to be with Ludwig. If he kept wishing like this… he'd only end up with more heartache.

Taking his thoughts away from his one-sided love, Lovino's attention was brought to his younger brother. No matter what he did, he could never seem to catch up. Like light and dark, one would always surpass the other.

It was a given fact.

Amber and emerald.

Auburn and brunette.

Sun and moon.

Day and night.

Yup, he'd lost that bout.

After their parents passed away, they'd been shoved from foster home to foster home before settling with their grandfather and he'd been forever told that Feliciano was their favorite. His mother had been the only one who he could confide in for she had gone through what he was dealing with.

"So the underdog fails again…" Lovino placed his head on the table after pushing his plate of untouched food away. He glanced at Ludwig and the German didn't seem to hear him due to the loud music.

Well, he lucked out on that end.

"Ve~, _fratello, _why don't you come and dance? There's lots of pretty girls out there. Plus, there are some nice guys, too!" Feliciano offered as he sat down next to Ludwig.

"Hell no," Lovino spat. He denied every dance request, be it man or woman. He wanted to save that dance for someone special. Even if said special someone was unaware.

"Aw, why? It's no fun sitting here all alone," Feliciano's cheerful expression faltered.

"The potato-bastard is here so therefore I'm not alone," Lovino refused to lift his head from the table.

He didn't want to meet the golden eyes of his perfect twin brother nor did he fail to see that Ludwig had placed his hand on Feliciano's shoulder for comfort. Every glance, every touch, every thought exploded into another flame that fed the already overwhelming fire.

"But-"

"I'm going home," Lovino rapidly stood and his chair clattered to the floor.

He couldn't take it any longer.


	2. Chapter 1

**Phew. It's a bit longer this time. I was trying to shoot for 2,000 words but time permits me from doing so. It's 12:30 here. I'm ready to go to bed. But a lot is said in this chapter so I hope you enjoy nonetheless.**

**Thank you for all the wonderful reviews you all sent me! Your feedback is much appreciated!**

**Warnings: Language**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia**

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><p><strong>Chapter One<strong>

He lay sprawled out on his bed, his face in the pillow. All phone calls, text messages, and voicemails had been ignored for the rest of the day. He didn't feel like talking with anyone—especially when he could barely converse and sort out his own thoughts.

Staring at his spice brown walls that nearly looked black due to the gathering mass of grey clouds outside his window, Lovino closed his burning eyes and ignored the clenching of his heart.

Why couldn't he forget about the blonde-haired and blue-eyed man?

It was possible!

It was… _possible._

It was _im_possible.

That German, at some point during the day, crossed his thoughts and only increased his desire to obtain what he knew he could never have. And that made Lovino want the man to accept his love even more. He didn't want rejection. He'd swallowed that bitter horse pill too many times in his life.

Just for once he wanted to be accepted—to love and to be loved back.

Was that too much to ask? Was that a task too great for one to accomplish?

_For someone like me_, Lovino thought, _it must be._

"Lovi?" a voice suddenly could be heard from the living although muffled by his bedroom door. And the fact that his nickname—which was totally annoying, by the way—was being used, it could be no one other than the cheerful Spaniard he had befriended during his childhood in America: Antonio Carriedo.

How that man remained to be optimistic about everything was beyond Lovino's understanding but he appreciated Antonio for it. He was the only stable relationship he had (besides Feliciano, of course, but even that was slowly deteriorating). Though the idiot was lackadaisical, clumsy and carried himself with a certain degree of pride, Lovino cherished the bond he shared with Antonio.

He honestly didn't know what he would do without the Spaniard.

"Lovi, where are you?" Antonio was clearly searching throughout the house.

"In here," Lovino replied as if that wasn't a vague answer.

"Where's here?" the Spaniard called back, clearly unable to follow the sound of Lovino's voice.

"In my room, _idiota," _Lovino said though there was no malice in his tone.

Now outside the door, Antonio swallowed thickly. He shouldn't be this nervous. It was just Lovino after all—same old stubborn Lovino. That's all.

"Ah, there you are. I was hoping you wanted to go see a movie or something," Antonio smiled fondly upon entering the room but it faltered once seeing Lovino. "What're you doing lying in bed? Are you sick? Do you need medicine?"

"I'm not sick," the Italian grumbled into his pillow. "I just don't feel like doing anything today."

"Aw, Lovi~ it's no fun sitting inside all day. Let's go watch a movie~!" Antonio turned on the bedside lamp to brighten the room.

"No means no, tomato-jerk," Lovino mumbled. "Do I have to spell it out for you?"

"Maybe," Antonio joked and grinned when Lovino lifted his head to toss him a death glare.

"Where are your other friends like that perverted Frenchman and annoying ass Prussian?" Lovino questioned as he sank his head into the pillow again.

"They had other plans."

"So I'm stuck with your ass?" Lovino's expression was dead serious as he raised an eyebrow but there was a hint of playfulness lingering in his emerald orbs.

"_Si!" _Antonio nodded eagerly.

"Antonio, I'm not in the mood to do anything today or go anywhere," Lovino's impish attitude was snuffed out like a candle in a storm.

"Lovi, is something wrong?" Antonio wondered, growing concerned for the young man.

"What makes you think there's something wrong with me?" Lovino's response had a sharper edge than he originally intended.

"You're grumpier than usual."

"I'm fine. I'm tired, that's all."

"Don't lie to me, Lovi," Antonio's voice became suddenly serious along with his expression.

The Italian glanced at his friend for a split second before sitting up, "Nothing is wrong with me."

"Something is bothering you, Lovi. It's written all over your face. Did someone say something to you or hurt you? You know you can tell me, right?" Antonio sat on Lovino's side of the bed.

"There's nothing to tell if nothing is wrong so just drop it," the Italian was out of bed and shrugging on his coat and tying the laces of his shoes.

"Where are you going?" Antonio asked. "I thought you were too tired to go out."

"I'm going to clear my head," and before Antonio could add anything, Lovino continued, "Alone. If you leave before I come back, don't forget to lock the door and if my brother happens to show up tell him there's leftover pasta on the stove for him."

With that, Lovino left.

Antonio sighed and sat at the kitchen table, staring at the lonely flower. The single red lily seemed to have lost its natural beauty in Antonio's eyes along with its sweet intentions and meaning. Now, it seemed to be simply taking up space on the polished wooden table.

But there was nothing to fill the void in Antonio's heart for that was a special place for a certain Italian.

Taking the flower and placing it in a small glass of water, Antonio centered it on the table, leaving it express its message silently but without any hope of ever being discovered.

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><p>He wasn't aware how long he'd been sitting there or how long it'd been storming. All he knew was that the pelting rain and raging thunder mimicked his thoughts and growing turmoil. Lightning flashed but he paid no mind. No one would see that it illuminated his glistening tears. No one would hear his breaking heart over the loud roars of thunder.<p>

"Is there a reason you're sitting out here?" a particular voice he did not care to hear interrupted him. He took note of the umbrella this person was holding over his head.

"No," he retorted and continued to lie afterwards. "I just like the rain. It's nice."

"Ja, it is. But even so, you came with no umbrella?"

"Piss off," Lovino growled.

He didn't want to drive the German away but his insecurities made him react so defensively. That was the only reason he was so cold to others. And he had failed to find the one who could successfully draw him out of his little protective shell.

"Come with me. You're going to catch cold," Ludwig held out his hand for Lovino to take so he could assist the latter in standing.

For a few moments, Lovino just stared at it.

He really couldn't be offering his hand to the Italian, could he?

No, it had to be some sort of dream.

Ludwig wasn't really here and wasn't really offering to take his hand.

But the palm looked so warm and inviting and the sincere look he caught from oceanic eyes…

Hesitantly, Lovino took the hand, taking note of the electric current that shot up his arm and rippled throughout his entire body in small waves. He wasn't sure if Ludwig felt it but he sure did—and he loved it. Cheeks tainted a dark crimson, Lovino allowed himself to be led out of the park and across the street to a building he recognized as Ludwig's apartment (Feliciano had dragged him countless times there).

They were on the fifth floor and in front of Ludwig's door in a matter of minutes and the German immediately went to fetch something dry for Lovino to wear. But in the meantime, he handed the young man a towel which again, Lovino cautiously took and began drying his hair.

The Italian began assessing his surroundings even if he knew what Ludwig's apartment looked like—he still enjoyed the cozy feeling it gave off. It wasn't too cluttered and there wasn't a single thing out of place. He knew the German was a bit of a neat freak but that was just Ludwig. He didn't mind at all.

As he continued drying his hair, the single curl that seemed to protrude from the rest of his unruly brunette locks made itself even more prominent (he swore the thing had a mind of its own). He removed his shoes from beside the door and set them outside on the patio to refrain from leaving mud stains. He didn't need to cause more trouble than he already had.

Lovino stared out the window. It didn't seem like the storm was going to stop anytime soon. In fact, it looked as if it was getting worse. The Italian sighed. At the moment, he really didn't want to be stuck inside the home of the man he loved. Anyone else would've jumped at this opportunity in a heartbeat but Ludwig was untouchable.

No need in getting his spirits high, right?

"Where's Feliciano?" Lovino questioned.

"At your house. I dropped him off around eight. You know how your brother is with thunderstorms," Ludwig answered, still travelling from room to room.

"Ah, I see," Lovino nodded, remembering that he left their home at around 7:30. Had he really been out in the rain for three hours?

"Here," the German held out clothes for the Italian, shaking said man out of his thoughts. "Your brother left these here when he spent the night last weekend and forgot to take them home. I can only assume you both wear the same size. You can take a shower if you'd like. It's over there to your right. I'll take you home as soon as the weather gets better."

Accepting the clothes, Lovino headed for the bathroom, intending on enjoying the hot shower his crush had offered him. He sighed lightly in content when the water hit his skin, cascading down his tan flesh like tiny waterfalls.

Leaving enough hot water for Ludwig to bathe if needed, the Italian changed into his brother's clothes and entered the living area again. He could hear the German moving about in the small kitchen, no doubt preparing something warm for Lovino to drink.

He didn't understand—despite the harsh demeanor Lovino always gave off when around Ludwig, the latter never seemed to be bothered by it. Was it just because he reminded Ludwig of Feliciano?

Yes, that was probably it.

"I didn't know what you liked to drink so I made some hot chocolate if that is all right. If you don't like it, you don't have to drink it," Ludwig held out the mug, scrutinizing the shorter man with cerulean eyes through the blonde hair that swept over his forehead.

"I-It's fine," Lovino mentally slapped himself for stuttering.

He wasn't some nervous schoolgirl! He was a grown ass man!

But seeing Ludwig without his hair sleeked back was definitely a change. Taking a sip of his hot chocolate, Lovino drew his knees up to his chest, a habit he had developed when he was feeling timid. There was a comfortable silence although there were hints of some awkwardness hanging about in the atmosphere.

The sounds of pelting rain were the only sounds disturbing that silence and neither seemed to mind.

It was rather relaxing.

"You can sleep in my bed tonight. I'll take the couch," Ludwig said and his tone left no room for argument for he already had a blanket and pillow in hand after he went to a spare closet.

With a sigh and taking an empty cup to the kitchen, Lovino retreated to the room after muttering a single word to the German who had let him stay over:

"_Grazie."_


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two! I had this ready last night but I was having trouble logging in so I couldn't post it. This chapter is a tad bit longer as we delve into Lovino's and Feliciano's past and Antonio's side of the story. Hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia.**

**Warnings: Language**

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><p><strong>Chapter Two<strong>

Antonio trudged along the second floor of the apartment complex, barely lifting his feet off the carpet. With mechanical movements, he fished his keys out of his coat pocket and unlocked the door, preparing to step inside his warm apartment until a heavily accented voice called out to him.

"Is that you, Antonio?" a man with shoulder-length blonde hair and striking blue eyes poked his head out the door.

"Yeah. It's me, Francis," Antonio said without turning around.

Noticing his friend's conspicuously odd behavior, Francis further entered the hall, genuinely concerned for the Spaniard, "Are you okay, _mon ami? _You don't look so good. You didn't stay out in the rain too long, did you?"

"No," was Antonio's short reply. "I didn't."

Then it dawned on him.

Why was he acting so glum?

So he didn't confess his love for Lovino on the first try. There was always next time. Besides, it wasn't like the Italian was in love with someone else (as far as he knew)—what was the point in rushing it?

Francis placed his hand on the other's shoulder, "Are you sure you're feeling all right?"

"_Sí," _the brunette nodded and a sheepish smile graced his handsome features. "It was a long day for me. I'm sorry for acting the way I did."

The Frenchman shrugged, "No hard feelings, Toni. You were under a lot of stress—which by the way, how did the confession go? Did you give him the flower?"

Antonio's emerald orbs went to the floor, suddenly finding it more interesting than making eye contact with one of his best friends.

"He… didn't reject you, did he?" Francis questioned lowly so as not to upset the Spaniard if this was the case. He honestly hoped that the tenacious Italian didn't turn down the sweetest person to ever walk upon this green earth. But, if it was so, Antonio was taking it extremely well.

"No. I didn't get the chance to tell him. He… kind of left in a hurry," Antonio answered and a dramatic sigh of relief escaped from Francis's lips.

"And here I thought he had gone and broke your heart! I was about to be devastated for you!" Francis placed his hand over his heart in mock hurt. The melodramatics were a constant aspect of the Frenchman. Though one would find this annoying, Antonio enjoyed his antics and laughed good-naturedly.

Finally taking the chance to walk into his apartment, Antonio settled himself in and invited the Frenchman inside, which of course, the latter complied immediately. Grabbing a tomato from the refrigerator, Antonio sat on the armchair and nibbled into the fruit quietly.

"I will never understand how you can just eat it like that," Francis commented with a hint of disgust.

"It's the same thing whether it's raw or cooked," Antonio grinned, taking another bite. "Lovi eats them like this, too."

"You two are nearly perfect for each other, aren't you?" Francis raised a teasing eyebrow and then a dazzling look sparkled in his azure eyes. "Ah! L'amour~ it settles in the heart so quickly and makes one grow fonder!"

Antonio rolled his eyes at his friend, _"Loco."_

"I swear if you keep spouting that love crap they'll have to make it an official language because no one understands what the hell you're saying," a certain Prussian was standing in the doorway, smirk planted on his face and a mischievous glint in his russet eyes. With the way the light hit his eyes, they almost looked a deep shade of red.

"Hey Gil!" Antonio waved from his seat.

"Just because you know nothing of what it means to truly love someone doesn't mean you need to be a heathen and dash someone else's hopes," Francis spoke as if it was the most obvious explanation in the world.

"A what? Look, Antonio's got plenty of hope—and how in the hell can I 'dash his hopes' if he doesn't understand a damn thing you're saying?" Gilbert snorted in playful exasperation and ran a hand through his shaggy platinum blonde hair.

Francis rolled his eyes, "You'll never understand that love is like a delicate seed—with time and patience it grows into a strong and powerful tree but even so, it is as fragile as a flower."

"What's up, losers?" Gilbert sat on the floor in front of the couch, ignoring Francis's comment. "Well, nothing should be going on because the Awesome Me just arrived so now we can get a party started!"

"Idiot," Francis mumbled under his breath, earning him a solid punch in the shoulder by the albino man. And though he was in sort of a disadvantageous position, the blow was still strong although teasing in nature.

"Ouch!" Francis rubbed the sore spot and a string of curses in French soon followed.

"Quit being such a girl," Gilbert remarked in his own native tongue and turned to face the Spaniard. "So how did it go with Lovino? Good? Bad? In between?"

"Eh, nothing happened. He took off before I could tell him anything," Antonio replied, halfway through his small snack and was no longer in the mood to eat it anymore. He stood from his seat and made his way to the kitchen to throw it away but stopped short when his eyes caught something in his periphery.

"What? Damn. And you made it sound so easy, Francis," Gilbert said with a grin. "Better luck next time!"

Staring at the second red lily he had bought that day, Antonio's lightly calloused fingers ghosted over the petals, enjoying the smooth feel of them. The duo in the room watched him carefully, catching the far off look in their friend's emerald eyes.

"You've got it bad for this guy, don't you?" Gilbert was the one to break the silence.

It took a full five minutes for Antonio to respond.

"_Sí… _I do."

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><p>The sunlight trickled into the room warmly, causing a sleeping Italian to stir as it bathed him in its radiance. The smell of cooking food bombarded his senses and his stomach reacted immediately with a loud growl. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Lovino looked around the room and became on high alert when he realized it wasn't his.<p>

But last night's events flooded through his head and he calmed considerably. He was at Ludwig's house because he spent three hours in the rain.

Perfect…

A cheerful met his ears just outside the door and it belonged to only one person: Feliciano.

What was he doing here?

Climbing out of bed and made his way to the door as best he could with a mind still muddled with sleep. He slowly opened the door and was nearly tackled by an enthusiastic younger brother.

"_Fratello! _You're okay! You're not hurt, are you? You weren't scared of the thunderstorm? I sure was! I was even more scared because you weren't there! I wanted to go out and look for you but Ludwig called me and told me that you were over here so I wasn't worried anymore!" Feliciano rambled due to his concern.

Lovino could've sworn he saw traces of tears collecting in his brother's eyes and placed his hand atop Feliciano's head of auburn hair to try and calm the latter. The height difference made this act much easier.

"I'm safe. I was never in any real danger," Lovino assured, smoothing out stray strands of his brother's hair. Despite the fact that Feliciano, too, was in love with Ludwig and they were basically trying to win the German's heart, Lovino could never hate his brother.

Never.

"But still! Thunderstorms are so scary and dangerous!" Feliciano hugged his brother tighter.

Lovino allowed himself to be embraced but did not return it with the same vigor. He knew Feliciano's fear of thunderstorms instigated after realizing the fact that their parents died in a car accident _because _of a storm. It had all happened so fast and two little boys at the age of seven and four were too young to truly understand what was going on. Being in the backseat of the vehicle, bright lights and a blaring horn was all Feliciano remembered.

But Lovino remembered more.

…so much more.

Earsplitting screams, shattering glass, shrieking metal, deafening horns… the thud of two bodies.

If one looked close enough, the scars of that night could be seen on the duo's arms and legs—a very prominent one was on Feliciano's forehead, just below his hairline where some glass had cut him. Another was on Lovino's shoulder blade where the metal had left its mark.

With the images of their parents' mutilated bodies lying on the street dirtied by gravel and blood along with glass marring their skin, the two never truly found peace.

That was when the nightmares started. Feliciano had them every so often now however the terror that thunder and lightning brought never disappeared. It would remain for as long as the memories did.

Of course, Lovino understood Feliciano's great anxiety for his well-being.

Hell, if the roles had been reversed, Lovino would've been worried sick, too.

Hearing the light sniffles being made by the younger, Lovino hugged his brother a little tighter as an attempt to bring the assurance that he was truly there and that this wasn't some sort of dream.

"All right, all right, no tears. There's nothing to cry over," Lovino said, holding his brother out at an arm's length and offered a tentative smile. "We're all okay."

"I had a nightmare…" the younger hiccupped.

Another one?

_Damn, and he was doing so well, too, _Lovino thought sadly.

Though it was worse right after the accident, Feliciano often had nightmares of that horrible night that would plague him for weeks on end. And his absence during a thunderstorm didn't seem to help his case.

"It was just a bad dream, Feli. I know it scared you but it went away like all bad dreams do," Lovino soothed the other. He felt he shouldn't be talking to his brother (who was nearly twenty) like he was still five but there wasn't any other way to get Feliciano to calm down.

His brother was so innocent… so naïve… he didn't understand much about the world so it was hard revealing certain truths about said world.

Feliciano nodded, furiously wiping his eyes.

Ludwig watched the scene silently with the intentions to leave this moment uninterrupted. Feliciano immediately returned to the kitchen and continued making breakfast for the three of them and it was one that was quickly devoured. Getting dressed into the clothes Feliciano brought for him, Lovino made Ludwig's bed (as a sign of gratitude in his own little way) and they both bid their farewells to their German love interest.

"So how did you like it over at Ludwig's?" Feliciano asked upon entering the vehicle.

"It was all right," Lovino shrugged, looking out the window as Feliciano pulled out of the parking lot.

"That's good," the younger Italian smiled brightly and they headed home.

"I guess," Lovino mumbled, sighing lightly. Though he appeared to be nonchalant, the Italian's heart was going a mile a minute. And each mile was a mile closer to a beautiful disaster.

* * *

><p>"No! No!" Feliciano shot up, the tears flowing freely. "I don't want to die!"<p>

"Feli, Feli, it's all right, you're safe!" Lovino firmly held his brother's shoulders. "Feli, look at me! Everything's fine! You're at home, you're safe!"

Amber orbs exposed themselves and Lovino saw the fear he hadn't witnessed in Feliciano's golden eyes since childhood. That was what pained Lovino most of all.

"I'm… safe? I'm home?" Feliciano's eyes darted around the room as if he didn't know where he was—as if he expected to still be lying in a hospital bed and the area to smell of medicine and disinfectants.

"Yes," Lovino nodded. "You're home. You're all right. See?"

The older Italian turned on the bedside lamp and Feliciano once again scrutinized his surroundings, taking it all in. And Lovino allowed him to do so. With only the incandescent light of the moon, Lovino knew Feliciano couldn't see well thus causing even more panic.

"You're safe, Feli. Nothing's going to hurt you, I promise. I'm here," Lovino placed his hand atop the younger's head.

"Mom and Dad… where's Mom and Dad?" Feliciano mumbled absently with a remote look in his honey eyes that were still full of tears. _"Fratello, _where are they?"

With a sigh, Lovino was going to repeat the truth to the other, "Mom and Dad aren't here, Feli, remember? They passed away in the car accident when we were still little."

"But you didn't right? You didn't leave me, did you?"

"No, I would never leave you, Feli."

"You did yesterday though… when it was raining… you left…" Feliciano appeared to be unaware of what he was saying. His eyes weren't focusing on Lovino. They were watching but not truly seeing.

"I would never leave you for good, though. I just had to clear my head," Lovino said.

"You promise you won't leave…?" Feliciano began shaking.

"I promise."

Feliciano suddenly burst into tears and clung onto his brother for dear life to try and escape the bright lights and screeching metal.

* * *

><p>"So the nightmares started again?" Antonio asked the next day as he and Lovino were taking a stroll through a nearby park. "Poor Feli. He doesn't deserve to be tortured like that."<p>

"He wouldn't leave my side the entire night. He's scared for me and he's scared for himself. Seeing Mom and Dad like that did more damage than Grandpa originally thought," Lovino sighed.

"That's why you moved to America, right? To get away from it all?" Antonio wondered.

Lovino simply looked at him. The Italian hadn't really shared much of his past any further than telling his friend that their parents died in a car accident and the frequent nightmares Feliciano was experiencing.

"Yes. Staying in that town wasn't doing any good for me or him so we left as soon as we could. I had no desire to stay there and Feliciano was too young to understand that we were moving for his sake. Italy just holds too many memories of our parents for Feliciano to stay healthy mentally. Even now, at nineteen years old, the accident still affects him like it happened yesterday. Not that I blame him of course. I can't say I don't miss home though," Lovino explained, staring at the paved sidewalk surrounding the playground.

"It makes sense," Antonio nodded in understanding. "You did what you had to do."

After this, there was an easy silence as they settled underneath a giant oak tree that overlooked the park. Antonio folded his hands behind his head and laid back in the soft grass while Lovino sat next to him. Underneath the leaf-dappled light, the two best friends enjoyed their company and the sounds of nature. That is, until Lovino decided to break it.

"Antonio, we've been friends for a long time. I think I can trust you with what I'm about to tell you. You promise you won't judge me?"

"Of course, Lovi. What is it?"

"No, you have to promise me you won't be an ass or anything because I… need advice," Lovino muttered the last part to almost the point where Antonio didn't hear him.

"I promise and you know I never go back on my word," Antonio had a serious glint in his eyes. "So what's bothering you, _mi amigo?"_

"I… I think I'm in love," was the reply.

There was a pause before Antonio replied, "Really? With whom, if you don't mind my asking."

Lovino's cheeks were instantly brushed a shade of crimson that would make the ripest and healthiest of tomatoes jealous, "You promise you won't judge me? I'm coming to you as a confidant so you can't make any smart-ass remarks or you can guarantee that I'll never speak to you again."

"I already promised I wouldn't, Lovi. I'm your best friend. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you—ever," Antonio sighed without irritation leaking into his tone. The gaze in his emerald eyes showed no betrayal as they made eye contact with the man who had the same eyes even if his were only a darker shade of green.

The calm his handsome features were expressing however was only a façade. His heart was actually pounding lividly inside his chest and his palms became slightly clammy from anticipation. This was it! Perhaps Lovino would be confessing his love for him!

Maybe, if he just prayed and hoped it was him, everything would turn out perfect.

With his hopes and heart being carried by the gentle breeze that glided across the land, Antonio waited patiently, simply staring at Lovino.

"I'm in love with Ludwig."

And that's when Antonio's heart fluttered to the wind in pieces.


	4. Chapter 3

**All right, new chapter! Hope you all enjoy! Thank you for all the reviews and for reading! :D**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia**

**Warnings: Language**

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><p><strong>Chapter Three<strong>

"With… Ludwig?" Antonio did his best to keep his voice from wavering and his emotions in check.

"Yeah," Lovino nodded and he chuckled solemnly. "Weird, isn't it? I know that's what you're thinking. But, as weird as it may be it _feels _right. I can't explain it. There's just one little problem, though."

"And that is?" Antonio was sitting up now.

"Ludwig doesn't love me back."

"And you know this how?" Antonio questioned, now earnestly interested albeit heartbroken.

"Have you not _seen_ the way he looks at Feliciano? He adores the hell out of my younger brother. I might as well face it, I don't have a chance," Lovino plopped back into the grass with an exasperated huff.

"He could yet fall in love with you, Lovino. Don't give up hope," Antonio said, his voice almost voiding of the cheerful tone it held so famously.

Immediately picking up on his neglected nickname, Lovino raised an eyebrow, "You feeling all right, Toni?"

"Ah, sí. I'm fine. I'm just a little tired," was the Spaniard's reply.

Lovino was about to suggest that his friend go home but he knew it was out of the question and simply nodded as a response.

"So why do you think Ludwig isn't in love with you?" Antonio asked.

"You're suddenly very curious," Lovino said.

"Is it a crime?"

"Well, no, it's just I thought you'd be, you know, uninterested. It's not every day we just sit around and talk about this stuff," Lovino replied.

Antonio shrugged, "I don't see the harm in it. Besides, that's what we came out here to do right? To talk?"

"Right."

"So I'll ask again: why would you think Ludwig isn't interested?"

"Is that a trick question? Compared to Feliciano, I'm nothing—a shadow. Everyone thinks so."

"I don't think that," Antonio gave a sideways glance at the Italian.

"Yeah, but you're my friend," Lovino sighed. "I'll never be as good as Feliciano. Hell, our own parents thought so. I hate this feeling—the feeling of inadequacy. I mean, do you know what it's like to love someone who doesn't love you back?"

Antonio's emerald eyes settled themselves on the Italian, admiring the man he thought was an angel from heaven, the man who he would love for the rest of his days and with a gentle serene smile replied, "Yes. I do. I know all too well."

"You do? Well I'm glad I'm not the only one."

"If it's any consolation, I like you just the way you are. And if anyone who cares about you in anyway and tries to win your heart can't see that then it's their loss," Antonio suddenly stood, stretching out his limbs from sitting.

"What do you mean?" Lovino wondered as he watched his friend abruptly starting to leave.

"I mean you're perfect. Nothing more, nothing less. I'll see you later, Lovi. Francis and Gilbert are supposed to be visiting my place later so I'd better hurry up and get there before they burn it down," Antonio then bent down, placing a chaste kiss to Lovino's forehead.

Blinking rapidly and trying to process what had just occurred, Lovino simply stared with wide olive green eyes though his mind was sent into a wild reel.

"Take care of yourself," Antonio kept that smile (was it pained?) and left the Italian to his thoughts.

Placing his fingers to his forehead, Lovino tried to process the kiss and the strange feeling it had left. What was Antonio trying to say? Were his intentions just as innocent as the kiss itself? However, Lovino was not disgusted or upset at all.

Why was that?

Standing up to leave as well, Lovino sighed. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore.

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><p>With nothing but Lovino's confession on his mind, Antonio trudged inside the door of his one-bedroom apartment. Those few words doused the strong flame of his cheerful mood. And the streets were too lively, the sky was too blue, and sun was too bright for his liking.<p>

He wanted a confession but he damn sure didn't want that one.

He should've felt happy for his best friend but… he couldn't ignore his own heartache.

Closing the door, he removed his shoes and coat mechanically without even bothering to greet his very interested friends.

"You're back! How'd it go?" Francis wondered.

Antonio however, remained silent.

"Hey, man, how'd it go? We're all dying to know," Gilbert asked and they were once again met with silence from their usually happy-go-lucky friend.

"He rejected you, didn't he?" Francis guessed.

"You see! I knew that he was bad news from the very beginning!" Gilbert mumbled a few more incoherent words as he raised his glass of water to his lips.

"He's in love with someone else," was Antonio's dull yet sharp reply.

Gilbert, unsuspecting this answer, nearly choked to death on the water he was drinking. Francis's eyes widened and Antonio simply stood in the center of the room, staring at the floor as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.

"What will you do?" Francis questioned after some tense silence.

"What I do best: keep being his friend. I'm… going to lay down okay? I'm tired," Antonio then went into the single bedroom and softly closing the door.

"Poor Toni. He should've just let it be," Gilbert commented.

"He'll keep on loving him, no matter what, Gilbert. That is what it means to be in love—you wish for them to be happy even if you're not the one causing it," Francis reasoned.

"Yeah, well, that Italian's a jerk anyway. I mean, look how heartbroken Toni is! He'll never be the same guy," Gilbert sighed with earnest concern.

"There's nothing we can do about it, Gilbert so you might as well let it go."

"Well, I'd go and give that stupid Italian a piece of my mind!" the Prussian grumbled.

"And when you do that, Antonio will be even more upset. Lovino may have broken his heart but he loves him no less. Besides, I doubt Lovino did it intentionally. He wouldn't have the desire to break Antonio's heart if he knew how Antonio felt about him," Francis explained.

"Well I still think he's a jerk for it," the Prussian retorted.

"_Oui, _I know," Francis sighed.

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><p>Antonio had waited until his two friends had left before even thinking about coming out of his room. He had calmed considerably since he arrived home but was still in no mood to see or speak to anyone. All he wanted was to get some fresh air and on a cloudless night like this, it was perfect.<p>

Guitar case in hand, he felt the need to strum the strings of the guitar to play his heart's broken melody. It was the only comfort he wanted at this point. With the closest park being more than a few blocks away, Antonio trudged along the sidewalk, avoiding any and every one.

Upon arriving in the main park of the city, he was grateful that it was relatively empty save for the few stragglers that may have been on their way home from a date or party. Sitting on the large fountain that was centered in the area, the cool mist being carried by the wind was refreshing as he pulled out his guitar.

Strumming lightly on the strings, he began to play, singing his heart's unspoken words that probably no one would understand. He continued to sing softly, a sound that was just barely audible over the guitar. The stars twinkled sadly above him, giving him their condolences.

The Spaniard had caught the attention of a couple not but a few yards away and they stopped to listen, admiring his ability to play the instrument.

"Huh. I wonder why he's out here all alone. He looks rather sad, doesn't he?" the shorter of the two commented with sympathy and his emerald eyes showed it as well.

"Yeah, he does. I'm gonna go ask what's wrong," his companion with electric blue eyes that rivaled the sky in magnificence was now straying away from his partner.

"Alfred, wait!" the first one called out.

The one known as Alfred sat next to Antonio and the latter didn't even seem to notice his presence.

"Hey, man, whatcha doin'?" Alfred questioned, watching the Spaniard.

"Oh! _Lo siento. _I didn't mean to disturb you," Antonio jumped a bit, causing him to slip up and the guitar let out a rather unpleasant sound.

"No, not at all. You're actually pretty good, due," the American grinned.

"_Gracias," _Antonio nodded.

The shorter man with green eyes finally approached, "Pardon his brash behavior, he is just like a child sometimes. His name is Alfred and with much misfortune, I happen to be his boyfriend, Arthur."

"What do you mean by 'misfortune'?" Alfred raised an eyebrow.

"Exactly as it sounds, love," Arthur shot back coolly.

"I'm Antonio," the Spaniard gave what he assumed was a smile.

"Well it's nice to meet you, Antonio," Arthur smiled back.

"Likewise," said the brunette man.

"Do you make any money with your music?" Alfred wondered.

"No, I just play to clear my head."

"That was a very sad song you were singing. I don't mean to pry but is it dedicated to someone specific?" Arthur couldn't help but ask.

"_Sí. _The man I love—but he doesn't love me back," Antonio replied while looking at the diamond sprinkled sky.

"Ouch," Alfred commented and he could feel the harsh glare of Arthur burning holes into the back of his head.

"Sorry, sorry," the American smiled nervously.

"I'm very sorry to hear that, Antonio. Did you even tell him how you felt?" Arthur then sat down next to his boyfriend.

"No, I didn't get the chance to. Besides, it's not like I could work up the nerve anyway," Antonio shrugged.

"This is just a suggestion from a stranger but I think you should tell him. Keeping it bottled up inside isn't going to help anyone. All it's going to do is make you miserable by dwelling on it. You never know, it may do some good," Arthur offered an encouraging smile.

Antonio turned towards the Englishman in mild surprise before it was replaced by a smile.


End file.
